D? C.I.?'s Web Log Highlights for June 2010
A mix that is developed and put into action is more important than a mix that exists only as an idea
June 1st
Kelly Ann Marie rang us to ask if I wanted to go see Sex and the City 2. I tode her I’m neither a woman or a Gay. She replied “And yet both find you amusing.”
June 4th
I were at the bus stop. Not cos I were sheltering from the rain. I just needed a quiet spot as I were on the phone to Timberlake. I were just about to point out that ‘e ant got noat to moan about as he apparently brought sexy back when my celebrity stalker plopped herself down beside me. “Where you been hiding then?” she asked with a friendly smile which could in fact’ve been a deranged look in her eye. “So you have been following me then?” I said. “Foll…” she began. “Sorry, I meant stalkin’….” I said interrupting whilst shuffling down the bus stop bench from her. “Stalking?” she said pretending to be bewildered. “Godda go!” I said jumping up to catch the bus that just arrived. Last time I end up in Bulwell.
June 6th
The telly happened to be on and there were some rubbish called 'Bulging Brides' on. The basic premise seemed to be finding women who wanna lose weight so they can fit inta their wedding dress and giving them a fitness and diet regime so they can do it. Why can't these women just buy a bigger dress? That's what we men do. We just buy bigger clothes. Although i weren't watching it i were interrupted by a knock at the door. It were Polish Monica. "Ay up" i said "I thought Poland weren't in the World Cup." She rolled her eyes and walked off. She'll probably never speak to me again. Her loss.
June 8th
I called round for Brains. Kelly Ann Marie answered the door. “Is Brains coming out to play today?” I asked. “No. He can’t come out to DJ today as he’s got packing to do” she replied. “Packing for what?” I said puzzled. “Err, South Africa…” said Kelly Ann Marie as if I was stupid. “South Africa? Is that a new club? He never told me there’s a new club opening. Ow come I dint get an invite to DJ? Has ‘e got a rez? How come I dint get offered a residency? You 'ad your ‘air cut?” I asked. “Calm down" she interrupted. "Brains told you about this ages ago. You obviously forgot. We’re going to the World Cup.”
I dint actually believe it would happen until today, but it did. Brains and Kelly Ann Marie are off to South Africa for the World Cup. Yesterday, after I came round for Brains, Kelly Ann Marie said I suddenly walked off. She thought I’d probably never speak to her again. My loss. Anyway, Brains had boasted ages ago about sorting his tix and accommodation out but he’s a DJ, he tends to fib. Apparently the trip's only happening for two reasons: (1) Brains promised Kelly Ann Marie that it would be a holiday and not just football and that they would get to see the sights, sounds and high crime levels of South Africa and (b) Kelly Ann Marie promised not to take the p*** outa Brains if we don’t win the World Cup. I genuinely believe Kelly Ann Marie will stick to her promise. When I started muttering “If? If we don’t win the....?” she nudged me to shut up.
June 11th
Brains and Kelly Ann Marie have left me 'babysitting' Bonita. I’ve promised to pop round regularly to check up on her and today the first check. Me and Bonita don't have oat in common. It's both a curse and a blessing that I can happily tolerate awkward silences. However Bonita did start an interesting conversation by asking about how I started Djing. I told her about finding 2 ode turntables in me uncle's shed when I were 12 and how the rest were history. There was a silence then she suddenly asked "Did you ever do drugs when you were young?" Without hesitation i answered "Nope. The music I listened to were never that boring."
June 12th
I were in the mix pondering that England vs USA was well underway be now when I suddenly got a text from Brains: 'OMG! AFA!' (Oh My God! Absolutely ***kin' Amazin'!). About forty minutes later I got one from Kelly Ann Marie: 'OMG! AFB!' (Oh My God! Absolutely ***kin' Brilliant!). I turned the telly on. Oh. One all.
June 14th
‘Alexandra Burke Unveiled As New Face Of Sure Women deodorant’
Pee-Yew!
June 17th
‘BP Bosses Summoned To Meet President Obama’
Apparently this is what happened at the meeting.
Obama: “Your slick ain’t sick. Your spill ain’t ill. Check this (holds up hankerchiefs). This means I roll wit the Bloods and the Crips. So ya’ll best kick in with the comp cos the whole world knows you gots the cheddar. Any questions….? Good. Now jet.”
June 20th
Bonita nipped round after her morning constitutional, whatever the ***k that is. She brought round the Scotland on Sunday and plopped herself down in me favourite chair to read it whilst I made her a cuppa. Nobogga ever meks me a cuppa when I go round mine. I were bringing in the choccy bics through when she said "Oh that's sad." "What? I said pretending to be interested. "Scotland's oldest man has died" she answered forlornly. "How hold was he? Fifty two?"
June 21st
Overheard on a bus
1st Man: ‘Ow was yer Father’s Day?
2nd Man: Alright, but you know our Keisha? She only brought me a CD….
1st Man: What’s wrong wi’ that?
2nd Man: It were that 'American Anthems' box set. Don’t get me wrong, ‘Don't Stop Believin'’ is a ***kin’ classic, but the rest? ***k me….
1st Man: So what wouldya’ve preferred like?
2nd Man: Dizzy innit….
1st Man: Word.
June 23rd
I were watching some highlights from previous Glastonburys. Saw some Jay-Z which reminded me Snoop Dogg is on this year. It must be really rough to be a White musician who calls women 'hos' and 'bitches' and lives in the vain hope that one day you'll get invited to perform at Glastonbury.
June 24th
I nipped round La Maison Brains und Kelly Ann Marie to see how Bonita were. Also I wanted to borra a record Brains said I couldn't borra. If you really don't want y'bestest mate to borra summut, 'ide it innit. Anyway Glastonbury came up in conversation as Bonita said she'd love to go and I happened to mention I should've been asked to DJ, have tickets anyway, but can't be asked to go. To which she said "What you're not going to go to the most amazing festival in the world?!?!" She then proceeded to yap on about how she'd love to go and why can't I tek her. I sez I can't see the point of festivals, unless i'm Djing so she sez "I'll go! Just give me a ticket!" I pointed out her cuz Kelly Ann Marie wunt never let her go on her own and therefore I would be expected to accompany her which would be kinda hard as I ain't going. She then went off on one about how she'd be my bestest friend forever and it'd be a great adventure for us blah blah blah. I got bored and said firmly "Look. We're not going! " She shouted "I hate you!!" and stormed off. I think she sees me as a bit of a father figure.
June 26th
I dragged Bonita to Sherwood Festival as a consolation for not tekking her Glastonbury. I think she probably weren’t consoled. 1st Rule Of Festivals: Don’t let your PA play Meatloaf. 2nd Rule Of Festivals: Don’t let your PA play Def Lepperd. 3rd Rule Of Festivals: See 1st Rule Of Festivals.
June 27th
The England match were on safternoon so it were the perfect opportunity to buckle down and do some work. I were gonna go round Brains' and Kelly Ann Marie's but I figured Bonita'd be watching the game and I just wasn't in the mood for her shouting "Score you ***king Germans!" or similar whilst I were trying to amuse mesen. Not that she swears, cos where she comes from they don’t. Anyway I figured the 'worst' when I stuck me head out me winda at about half five to notice him across the way had taken down all the England gear from his winda. Including the bunting! I texted Brains: 'Mebbee 2014 eh?' I got a text back from Kelly Ann Marie: '2014? What England?'
I’m out like Frank Sidebottom.
D bury
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Created on 06/21/2010 01:09 PM by chillpark Updated on 08/01/2010 07:23 AM by chillpark |
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